Lessons learned... but what to do with the knowledge?

I learned something last week.

Okay, maybe I didn't actually learn it, but I was reminded of it.

I learned this:  I learned that strong women are the ones who lift each other up and not tear each other down.

I knew that.  I think I just needed to be reminded.    Now for the part that I am pretty sure I learned: Not all women want to be strong.  Not all women want to lift each other up.  Some don't even get it.

Maybe I knew that, too, but it didn't really sink in until this week.  It's not a mentality that I can understand.  Especially for adult women who volunteer to work with kids.

I guess I get the concept of "looking out for number one."  I don't believe in it, but I can understand the mentality behind it.

But to be so insecure in yourself that you allow your child to scream at an adult?  I don't understand that.  To be so full of self-doubt that you're willing to be treated awfully by that same child and not understand when someone else is defending you?  For that I am so sorry.  To be so focused on your goals that you would allow slander?  That's something you'll have to answer for in the future... maybe not on Earth, but someday.

Maybe I'm just an "odd duck," but I don't much care what you think of me.  Of the billions of people in this world, there are a handful who's opinions truly matter to me.  Women who are full of evil, full of self-righteous indignation, full of...well crap, their opinions aren't among them.

I know that's not the case for everyone.  And it wasn't always the case for me.  There was a time that people's opinions mattered.  A lot.

Women who are in leadership positions within girls' organizations who aren't strong women shouldn't be in those positions.  They are the ones who can't see the "diamond in the rough."  They can't see beyond the stubborn to find the determined.  They can't see beyond the different to find the unique.  I feel sorry for them and their narrow world view.

Would I and will I defend those not-strong women placed in leadership positions again?  Yes.  Because I am a strong woman.  Should I learn to kiss a little more ass to keep those women out of positions where they are actually hurting an organization I love?  Probably.  But I won't.  I've never been very good at kissing ass and I don't think it's a life skill I want to spend much time learning now.  Will I step away from an organization I love because of these evil women?  I don't know.  I'm thinking about it.  Very seriously.  But then I think of the other "odd duck" girls who are still learning and wonder where their strong woman role-model will be if I do.

The one thing I do know...no matter what, I'm not changing my values to make a spoiled child happy. No matter who's in charge...

Me

I miss my baby. But I'm really disappointed in her, too.

I had the dubious honor of taking my little girl to college this past week. She's only a few hours away, but she's homesick. Or, rather, she doesn't think college is for her. I'm not sure how a person can tell that after two days and before classes even start, but there you have it.

When I talk to her on the phone, she sounds so sad. So very sad. And that isn't her personality. In fact, she has a smile that you can hear in her voice. She is usually so outgoing and bubbly. She is normally a kid who makes friends easily, yet she's spent every spare moment so far sitting in her dorm. Yes, I realize the upside is that she isn't out partying, but she isn't out doing anything else, either. One of my favorite sounds in the world is her laughter, and I miss it. Like crazy.

I don't understand where she's coming from. I honestly and truly don't.

You see, she's fortunate enough to have this golden opportunity. Due to some circumstances, she has college practically paid for. She is being handed an education right there on a silver platter and she acts like she doesn't want it.

I know I'm biased. I think a college degree is important. Very important. So important, in fact, that I spent a total of 15 years trying to get mine. I won't go into the statistics of how much more a college graduate makes over a lifetime. It's a significant difference. Are there more important things then money? Of course there are. At least there are until you can't pay the rent. Then money becomes a bit more important. What's that phrase? Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to be miserable in a BMW than on a 10-speed. Something like that... A college degree is the difference between working in a coffee shop and owning the coffee shop.

And despite what she claims from customers at the restaurant she worked at, I've never heard of anyone who regretted getting their degree, but I know plenty of people who regret not getting one. (Hey, if I'm wrong, let me know!) Besides her education is practically paid for! Where is the "waste of money" if it isn't your money? (And why couldn't she come up with that moral argument when she wanted a car/prom dress/TOMS/new flat iron?) Where is waste if you take advantage of a limited time opportunity?

I hate to admit it, but I know that if she leaves school I will loose a certain amount of respect for her as a person. Don't misunderstand!! I will always love my baby. And yes, I want her to be happy. I just want her to also be educated. At 18, she has no idea what's going to happen in the next 5-10-30 years. And in all that time, she will need a roof over her head, food in her belly. But I will always remember that she had this chance, one that I had to work so much harder for, and she tossed it aside like a rotten tomato.

I honestly don't care what her degree is in. History? Fine. English? Fine. Physical Therapy? Fine. Counseling? Fine. Underwater Basket Weaving? Fine. I just want her to have that college degree. To have something she can use to fall back on later.

In the current economy, there are enough people unemployed (and, to be fair, underemployed). Many of them are fighting for those minimum wage jobs. Competition can be fierce. An education is a way to give yourself an advantage.

Plus, with all the general classes required, a college student learns a lot of things which can open their minds to so many more opportunities. And opportunities open more doors.

The idea of her miserable breaks my heart, it makes me cry. But I'm not giving in on this one. It's more important for her to have that sheepskin, to take advantage of this opportunity she's being given. I know it's harsh, but if she drops out, she's on her own. No more funds from mom and dad. We will support her as long as she remains in school: car insurance, health insurance, laundry money, whatever it takes. We'll even help once she graduates and is actively looking for work in any field. But not if she leaves school. That's a decision I can't support. And the thought of that breaks my heart.

I know that at 18, she is considered a legal adult. She's made decisions in her six months of adult-hood that I disagree with. She still hasn't registered to vote, which just bugs the crap outta me. We won't discuss the septum piercing. *shiver*

I will always love her. Always. More than she can possibly imagine. But I can't support her making a decision that will limit her future. Maybe I'm just a snob. Maybe I'm I worry too much. Maybe I'm just an overprotective mother who wants what is best for her child. Maybe I'm so cheap that I can't imagine throwing away such an opportunity just because. Maybe I'm letting the sadness in her voice get the best of me.

I think the next few weeks will be tough. On all of us. And I wish it weren't. I wish I'd hear the smile again. I wish she would look toward the future instead of acting like she was stuck in a prison.

Me

Ever notice that the Universe has a way of kicking ya in the a$$--even when you don't want it?

I wrote that blog post about how I planned to get healthy, right? Well, now I have to. Turns out my cholesterol is high and I'm borderline diabetic. Sucks.

I think the worst part was that the doc said "oh, and you really need to loose at least 20 pounds." WTF???? Seriously??? You've got to be kidding me!

See, I've already lost 50. Like 2 years ago. And, try as I might, I can't get any more weight off my body. For more than two years I followed the Weight Watchers plan RELIGIOUSLY and I'd loose a pound, gain two, loose two, gain one... See a pattern??? And at $40 a month, in this economy, I couldn't afford it anymore.

Plus, I don't think I'm all that attractive. I mean, my kid thinks I am, and my parents do, and hubby, of course, but I don't see it. So my personal body image self-esteem is low. Like sucky. A negative number on the famous one-to-ten scale.

I think the most crappy thing about the weight is that I was just starting to be okay with how I looked. Now that's been shot out the window because I've been told (however well meaning) that what I've done isn't enough... I have failed.

I'm trying every hard to get over my mental block on this issue. I plan to try and ignore the "if you eat that, you'll be even fatter and uglier" voice that wants to mess with me. I think that means telling the nutritionist the doc had me call that it isn't going to work at this time. I need to like me... I want to like me. I can't seem to do that when I'm reminded of my failures...

Anyway, if you've read this far and have some advice on getting healthy, feel free to share.

Me