Saturday, May 26, 2012

A strange thing happened on the way to the computer....

I am not a morning person.  Not even a little.  Often only time and vast amounts of coffee can make me human.  My normal morning routine involves getting up, stumbling to the kitchen for that first cup, and heading to the computer for mindless activity while my brain realizes I have tricked it into starting the day -- again.  It takes close to two hours for me to consider such craziness as showering and getting dressed.  Yes, I know it's a good thing I'm self-employed and work from home.  Believe me.

So imagine my surprise this morning when, as I was sitting at the computer, I had the idea—nay, desire—to go running.

Exercise isn't my thing.  And I'm frankly not built for it.  Even at my thinnest ever I had to shop the "larger sizes" for tops.  Add in the fact I'm cheap (an a lifetime of being not-wealthy has reinforced that), and I exercise has the potential to be painful.  Not only that, but I have bad knees and have had them since a freak gymnastics accident in middle school.  Another reason I don't like exercise.

Besides, why exercise when there are so many good books out there to read and patterns to knit?

However, I also believe that the Universe talks to us in some interesting ways—that friend who calls when you need to talk, the still small voice that gives you an idea, the radio commercial you keep hearing over and over. 

When I kept hearing about the "Couch to 5K" program and people started telling me about their running, I knew the Universe was trying to get my attention.  Who am I to argue with the Universe?

I spent big bucks to buy a big (and supportive!) bra and picked a date (May 28, 2012) to start the C25K program.  I even put the app on my iPhone.  I was ready for Monday....

Until this morning.  As I sat at my computer I wanted to go run.  Even though it was cold out.  Even though it was raining.  I wanted to do it.

So I did.  I consider this morning my "trial" for the C25K.  I did my running in my back field (huge mistake, I think, considering the mud and grass and rain and yuckiness) and was miserable.  But I did it.  And I'll do it again.  I will finish the C25k program.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Discovering some new shades of me

I've learned some things in the last four or five months.  Things that are life changing and damn important.

The biggest one was that I learned it's okay to be more than Mom.  Don't miss understand: Mom is still my favorite job and best title.  I like being the mom so much, I've chosen to stay involved with a youth organization my daughter was part of just to be available for some of the young ladies who need a mom-figure.  (A good friend of mine who is also involved with the group says I'm the "misfit mom" -- caring for the girls who don't fit the mold and making them feel appreciated and special.  I can live with that!)

Now that my baby is on her own, however, I don't find myself being the Mom 24-7.  Our oldest has never been a "check in often" kinda kid with us (she does the check-in with her mom more than her dad, so we occasionally check the hair salon where she's the "bulldog" just to tell her we love her).  The youngest, though is more...I dunno, connected. And she remains that way.  I find that she connects a few times a week--a phone call one day, a facebook message another. 

But that doesn't fill the mom role all the time.  That hole has caused me to re-evaluate myself and my goals and my life.  And that's been a wild ride, let me tell ya.

First, I've embraced my hobbies even more.  More knitting.  More painting.  More sewing.  More writing. 

And I've added a few new interests.  I've taken up archery.  I have every intention of starting the "Couch to 5K" program on Monday.  In fact, I'm going to use the weekend to buy a sports bra (I don't relish the idea of "The Girls" being unsupported!) and even try the first few days of the program just to see what it's like before starting for real.  I also have every intention of riding my bike the 4.88 mile "circuit" near my house before the end of the summer.  Not a small feat considering the size of the hills.

I'm being more social, less "in my head" as another friend often put it.  I've made a point of lunching with friends.  I've had long, detailed conversations with hubby.  If it stops raining this weekend, I plan to go geocaching and take my camera along for some awesome pictures of the Black Hills.

Change is hard.  Changing because you want to can sometimes be damn near impossible.  Being forced to change sucks rocks.  However, sometimes its the best thing for everyone.  I'm glad I've had the chance to be the full-time, stay-at-home, home educating mom I was.  And now I'm learning to be glad for the chance to explore other Shades of Me.

Here's the journey.....


Friday, January 27, 2012

I really don't like elephants. I don't mean the multi-ton animals with amazing dexterity in their noses. I don't even mean statues or figurines that represent those amazing beasts. Those elephants I like.

The elephants I've grown to hate are the ones that hang out in the middle of the room. They don't munch on peanuts, instead they feast on hurt and anger and disappointment and fear. They don't roam the jungles, they stomp on the feelings—and insides—of people. These elephants don't seem to be anywhere near the endangered species lists, either. Instead, they seem to be multiplying at a tremendous rate.

Part of these elephants' tremendous growth rate is my fault. I admit it. I over-think things and after awhile those things get infected and fester. And when two people I love both bring me elephants, I end up in constant pain.

Elephant A was smuggled in on a lie and "righteous indignation." I didn't even realize there was an elephant until it stomped on my chest. In fact, I defended the lack of an elephant over and over until the truth was screamed from the rooftops.

Elephant B has been growing off and on for a long time. Like a tree that tells it's age by the growth rings, this elephant is a product of years of major and minor indiscretions that are rehashed over and over.

Neither elephant wants to leave. Neither one wants to have a real conversation that would shrink or remove their presence. Instead Elephant A wants to be left alone, to pretend it doesn't exist. Elephant B wants to talk, but only about how great it is to be Elephant B and how I should have known all about Elephant A. Contrary opinions aren't tolerated anywhere near Elephant B. In fact, contrary opinions are met with personal attacks and screaming.

Obviously, the "owners" of these elephants refuse to communicate. One wants to maintain the belief that the elephant doesn't exist; the other wants to cast blame for insults both real and imagined. Either way, I'm left feeling betrayed and alone. My thoughts are mine and not accepted or appreciated by either elephant owner. Instead, I keep quiet. Thinking. Wondering why my "anti-elephant-ness" isn't important to these owners, to these people who I love.

These dueling elephants break my heart. I spend the quiet mornings in tears wondering how I can evict these beasts from my life. Silent evenings are spent questioning why my feelings and opinions are so worthless and unimportant. The hours between are filled with false bravado and the belief that without me around, the elephants would disappear. I know that isn't true, but it would be nice to run away and leave these elephants behind. It would be nice to have my sanity back, to have my opinions appreciated (even if the elephant owners disagree, which is fine!), to not be responsible for the elephants other people have dumped into my life.

I'm not sure how this is going to end. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'll find a way to stop noticing these giant beasts in my world. Maybe one or both of the elephant owners will be willing to see another side. Maybe the elephants will continue to grow and I'll be forced out of these relationships as the elephants continue to take over. Maybe tomorrow the tears won't come and that will be one step closer to banishing these hateful beasts.

I hope so....