Have you ever felt like a complete and total failure?

I don't mean the "gee, I'm just not good at singing" or the "one of these days I plan to run that marathon" type of failure. Hey, some people have a talent or gift for music and some don't. Some people have knees that would survive pounding the pavement for 26.2 miles and some don't have cartilage behind their kneecaps.

I'm talking about the "I just ran 26 of the 26.2 mile marathon, the race organizers saw me coming and then they shut down the race so that I couldn't finish" type of failure. (For the record, I totally can't see me ever running a marathon, so that particular fail will never happen to me.) This is how I feel about my weight.

For about three years I was pretty faithful to Weight Watchers. And I did well. I lost 50 pounds in the first 10 months. Then nothing. Not a dang thing. Well, that's not actually correct. I did lose a little. Then gain it back. Then lose a little. Then gain it back. You get the idea. And at $40 a month, I just couldn't afford to spend the cash on something that I wasn't seeing any benefit from.

Please understand, I am fully aware that I will never be skinny. And even if my waist was tiny, I'd weigh more than other people because of the size of my chest. Hey, those things weigh a bit ya know. The worst part is that there are no plus-size clothing stores around here. There's a Deb. And a Dress Barn. But nothing else, really. Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target....

It's not like I spend a lot of money on clothes. I don't even like shopping for clothes that much. Well, I do. But I like shopping for clothes that fit. And that's a hard thing to do.

So I get discouraged. Really discouraged. Could I stand to shed a few pounds? Yep. But I also walk three miles a few times a week. I enjoy my wii fit games. Tex says I'm "unusually strong for a girl." I'm not a complete puff ball. But not finding clothes that fit well and are stylish really gets me down.

Working my tail off and not seeing any progress on the scale is even worse.

I can't be the only person who feels this way. I mean, I'm the only one in my house, but I can't be the only one in the world. Can I?

Me

Ever notice that the Universe has a way of kicking ya in the a$$--even when you don't want it?

I wrote that blog post about how I planned to get healthy, right? Well, now I have to. Turns out my cholesterol is high and I'm borderline diabetic. Sucks.

I think the worst part was that the doc said "oh, and you really need to loose at least 20 pounds." WTF???? Seriously??? You've got to be kidding me!

See, I've already lost 50. Like 2 years ago. And, try as I might, I can't get any more weight off my body. For more than two years I followed the Weight Watchers plan RELIGIOUSLY and I'd loose a pound, gain two, loose two, gain one... See a pattern??? And at $40 a month, in this economy, I couldn't afford it anymore.

Plus, I don't think I'm all that attractive. I mean, my kid thinks I am, and my parents do, and hubby, of course, but I don't see it. So my personal body image self-esteem is low. Like sucky. A negative number on the famous one-to-ten scale.

I think the most crappy thing about the weight is that I was just starting to be okay with how I looked. Now that's been shot out the window because I've been told (however well meaning) that what I've done isn't enough... I have failed.

I'm trying every hard to get over my mental block on this issue. I plan to try and ignore the "if you eat that, you'll be even fatter and uglier" voice that wants to mess with me. I think that means telling the nutritionist the doc had me call that it isn't going to work at this time. I need to like me... I want to like me. I can't seem to do that when I'm reminded of my failures...

Anyway, if you've read this far and have some advice on getting healthy, feel free to share.

Me

I haven't posted in a few weeks. Not much has been going on WORTH posting, to be honest.

The roller derby thing is going OK, but I'm afraid it might take way more time/commitment than I'm willing to give. I like helping out. I like being part of something that is giving to charity. I like the idea of being part of a team (I've never played sports before). But what am I thinking?? Some of the girls who signed up scare the bejesus out of me. I can't imagine being in the same building with them, let alone on a team. I think they'll kick my .... you know.... if I just look at them wrong. And I have a black belt in TaeKwonDo!

Maybe this was just a bad idea. I mean, we don't even have skates yet! Nor is there a rink to practice at!

I did lose two pounds last week, though. (OK, so TECHNICALLY I think it was 1.8 pounds!) I was so stoked! I've been exercising every day this week, too. Even went to a gym. (One local place gave all the roller derby members a free years membership!)

Haven't done much crafting. I finished the adult Jobie socks and will now work on the kids pair. This one I'm thinking will be white with a purple triangle. Well, one sock will be. the other will be reversed. OH! A new yarn stored opened in town. Spent some money on some beautiful hand-dyed yarn! I'll get a picture later.

That's it. That's been the week of Jen....

ANOTHER week that I gained. This is getting ridiculous! Hubby, bless his little heart, keeps saying "so?" but it bothers me.

Part that really gets me is that I've actually been exercising — something I hadn't really done up to this point. I'll give it another week....

Things got a little crazy here this week. I know, what else is new?

Weight-wise, I gained four-tenths of a pound. Very frustrating since I worked out more. Even went ice skating with the Jobies (ONLY adult on the rink, by the way). And, no, I didn't fall.

Tuesday there was an article about our Roller Derby league in the local paper, since we're having in informational meeting next Friday night. My phone was ringing before 8 a.m! We've had positive results with the people who called us or found the league's MySpace page, but the online version of the story had some negative comments as well. One of my favorite was something like "I wonder what the teeth to tattoo ratio of this new venture will will." Since I've had my wisdom teeth out (side note: maybe THAT explains this roller derby thing!) does that make my ratio 28:1? Not too bad! Oh, and then there was the guy who thought we should try to make a bunch of money on this. ALL the proceeds of each bout will go to charity. We'll keep enough in an account that will cover expenses, but the rest goes to charity. The girl who got me into this mess (also a mom) and I talked it over and decided that all the charities will be kid-related. So Ronald McDonald houses, Shrine Hospitals, the Children's Home here, the book drive program through the Retired Senior Volunteer Program...those kinds of things will get the league's cash. We really want to do some of the "less advertised" programs around here. (Not that the big ones aren't good, but the little ones need help, too!) The one guy couldn't grasp that, though. After a google search I found out he had a few convictions for tax evasion. Yeah, not messing with him! Next week my friend and I are doing radio interviews. I still can't believe I'm doing this.

I haven't worked much on any hobbies, but I have been writing. Did some work on Chapter 1 of Ghost Mountain, and I think -- actually, I KNOW -- that it made it much stronger.

So that was my week. I can only imagine what next week will bring.....

Wouldn't you know that now that I lost more than a pound, I'm finding this is a BAD week for eating healthy? That's the way it seems to go, isn't it? Oh well, I've been exercising more this week than I did last week. At least so far.

FINALLY! I broke through a "number" on the scale and actually lost this week! I'm doing a happy dance! (well, not really, but I'm thinking it)

Another gain last week. This is getting REDICIOUS! It's so bad, in fact, that I actually have been working out everyday this week. Not a lot, mind you, but at least 10 minutes. Actually, I've done the gazelle thing we have for 30 minutes one day, then a 10-minute dancing "quickie" DVD (that targets a particular body area, like belly dancing shimmers for the abs) the next day, then back to the gazelle. Let's see if that moves the scale any.

On the crafty side, I finished the "I heart Coffee/Tea/Cocoa" swap. My partner is a tea drinker mostly (she said she sometimes drinks cocoa), so I focused on the tea. She got her box of goodies yesterday.



This is a tea kettle. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a tea kettle? Just a plain one? That the handle isn't on the top? YIKES! I knit the cozy and it says "Coffee, Tea, or Me?" on it.










These coasters and the "mug cozy" were also knitted. They were ALSO my very first ever felted projects. It was kinda fun. The mug cozy thing came out really well and I know I'll be making one of those for me, and the kid, and probably my sister. Good thing it was an easy project!







Then there's this. My partner had something like this on a wist, and so I tried to recreate it. This is a tea-traveler. It holds six different types of teas (I sent some bags, and some loose-leaf), filters and stirrers. The theory is that she can take this and brew her own tea where ever she happens to be. I'm not sure I like how it came out, but for something with no pattern, I guess it's ok. If I ever make another one, though, I won't use such heavy cord for the ties. And actually, I probably will make another for a project I'm doing with my sister.

I also found a cute tea ball, a tea bag carrier for her purse, a apple-spice-tea flavored lip balm, and a TON of different teas to add to the package.

So that was that. I'm waiting for my box from her. Honestly, though, I'm just glad she liked what I sent. I enjoy the crafts, and my family is getting a little sick of my trying to make stuff for them, so I like that SOMEONE appreciates it! *grin*

What a week!

I've been a little stressed lately. (Hubby is rolling his eyes, I'm sure.) I have a little trouble saying no. (There goes Hubby again!) But it's the stress at home -- mostly self-imposed, I admit -- that's got me frazzled. Perfection is a pain in the arse. If I don't think I can do it right, or don't have the time to do it right, I wait. And then, in the case of laundry, for example, it piles up. And then I have to do a LOT to catch up. And then I get stressed.

Lost weight this week. Not as much as I gained the week before, but I still lost. Since the beginning of October, I've been gaining and losing the same five pounds. I'm ready to break through that, though. I need to break through that.

Did get my hair died. Finally! It's cute and I'll try to get a pic this weekend. It's darker than I've usually done, and no red, which is unusual for me. But I do like it. Oh, and there's some purple in it. That I love!

I haven't done a lot of writing this week. I think a combination of the self-imposed stress and the nasty critique made me lose my focus. I can feel it returning, though.

What else? Ah, roller derby. I'm playing with names, and the ones I really loved were taken. DANG IT! Nancy DrewBlood was my favorite, and of course taken! Now I'm thinking of Mizz Prizz. Since I'm a bit more "prissy" than some of the others. Any thoughts? I helped Pinkie B Witched fill out the grant info for our league, and the deadline was yesterday, so we should hear something soon.

I'm doing two craftster swaps. One should be finished today, and then I can focus on the second. I also have an Eastern Star official visit on Saturday. In case I didn't mention, I'm headed up the line there, as well as in Nile. (Those with no Masonic background are totally lost, I'm sure.) Up two lines? Goes back to problems saying no. I will be glad when the OV is over though.

Oh! Notice the second ticker at the top of the page? My sister challenged me to a dare. (What are we? 12?) Anyway, she bet me that I can't make a quilt every other week in 2008 and donate them all to charity. Here are her rules:

• all quilts have to be for at least a double-size bed
• they have to be made out of quality fabric ("no crappy polyester," I think she said)
• the quilts all have to be donated to a homeless shelter or women's shelter
• a picture of the quilt and a receipt from the shelter are required

So, that's 26 quilts. I got the stuff for the first one yesterday and plan to get it finished this week. Hubby wants to know when I'll make the quilt for our bed that I've been promising him. I want to do one for my dad, too, but he doesn't know about it (although he may read this occasionally) so I don't have to hear about not having that one done. Unless of course he DOES read this, and now I'll have to hear about it, won't I? Oh, the prize for our challenge is a free lunch. Not as cheap as it sounds. The loser has to drive to the others house for the weekend and buy the winner lunch. Since my sister and I live about 500 miles apart, that's a big deal. Hope sis has cash. I 'll pick a pricey lunch!

That's about it. Tons going on. Next week I hope is a little less stressful. My plan is to MAKE it less stressful!

Gained weight. Again. I'm getting so frustrated. Of course, I want my hair re-done and that appointment keeps getting put off, too, so I'm just feeling REALLY frustrated. I plan to drink more water this week (I wasn't so good about that the last month or so) and I think that will help.

The kid completed her first round of finals, and, while the grades for the final exams could have been better, her semester grades were As and Bs. No point in complaining about those grades!

I'm in the middle of doing two craftster swaps, but I won't be mentioning WHAT I'm making until I know my partners get their packages. One of my partners, I know, was checking the blog earlier. I will admit, though, that crafting for a New Year's resolution to be more organized is a challenge. I've come up with something for it, and finished that one. I just hope my partner likes it. Then again, sometimes one person's organized is another person's chaos, so I hope I'm on the right track.

Looking at the calendar, I see this is another busy week, with meetings every night. Sometimes I wonder how I get to that point, but I can't imagine giving any of them up right now. Add teaching Sunday School, and picking up the kid from school, and running to the grocery store, and making dinner, and doing laundry... sometimes I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope and even the things I volunteer to do because I like them start to be a strain.

I've written another few pages of Ghost Mountain, and I'm planning to submit it to a contest. The contest takes the first 20 pages, plus a two-page summary. I don't really care if I win. The cool thing about this contest is that the judge is an editor at one of the publishing houses. Now there is someone I'd like to ask to see the rest!

That's the week here. I lost a few pounds at WW, but I seem to be having a lot of trouble with it. Partly I know I've had the "munchies" and been REALLY craving the chocolate. I know that doesn't help, either. I saw a picture of me taken almost a year ago, and even I didn't recognize myself. Odd, isn't it? I do need to decide, though, if I want to lose another 15 or 30. I KNOW I want to do the 10 or 15, for sure. It's the other weight to put me where WW says I should be that I'm not sure about. I've decided not to make up my mind until I get to where I know I want to be. (Gee, without giving my goal weight away, that gets confusing!)

Well, that's my ramblings for tonight...

Until next time!

Well, I weighed in this morning and gained almost 4 pounds over the Christmas/New Year weeks. Dang it! Although, to be honest, I knew I had gained. And I thought it was more like 6 pounds, so I should be proud of myself, right? In a twisted way, that makes sense.

I determined this morning that I'm very jealous of my kid sister. Wow. How petty does that sound? Welcome to my world.

My family got to see my sister and her family for Christmas. Since we've been home, I've had to hear about how nice their house is. Multiple times. Then my niece is just so dang cute, and a good kid, who listens to my sis, and right now I don't have that. (My niece grew "in" my sister's heart, not "under" it and was one of the reasons sis married her hubby, I know!) I know it's totally selfish, but I'm jealous. Right now I feel so totally out of control with things in my life that I wish I had someone else's.

I'm sure the feelings of "dog doo" will pass as I actively look for wonderous blessings in my own backyard.

What a mixed week.

I gained a pound. A full pound. Amazingly, I really wanted to LOSE that amount, so now I have to lose two pounds to make the WW official 50 pounds. Dang it.

For those who read the comments, I did mail off the first 50 pages of Ghost Mountain and it will be at the coordinator's tomorrow. Gotta love "priority mail." Now I'll be doing edits on other places. I love my critique group, but it does get hard to keep up with the edits while adding new and exciting material. Or maybe I'm just stressing.

Yeah, I know that's going on, and I know I need to make time for myself, but I don't see that happening anytime in the near future. Add the chaos of the holidays, and it really won't happen.

Oh, and the teen ager has a sore throat today, but went to school anyway. I'm waiting for them to call and say she's sick, come get her.

And I broke my toe on Sunday. It's still in the "pretty" Technicolor stage and hasn't reached "rotting fruit" shades yet. Still hurts like heck, though.

Sometimes, ya just feel like you need a vacation....

For those of you following my weight loss journey, here's an updated picture. I had to get all dressed up for a banquet last week and Loving Hubby took a picture before we went. I don't usually dress like that! *grin*

Here's something to point out: That graph at the top of the page is more then half way across! That meas I'm on the "downhill side" of my weight loss journey! Kinda cool, huh?

WOW! I've just realized that the ticker says I've lost over 40 pounds. WOW!

That's 40 packages of butter. 4 big bags of flour. One really big bag of dog food.

I'm in a bit of a weight "yo-yo" lately. I stayed the same for so long and then I lost 2.2 pounds and then gained 2 and this week I lost 3.8. I'm hoping that I don't gain any of it back next week. This yo-yo thing is discouraging.

Another few pounds closer to my goal. At the official weigh-in this morning I was down 2.2 -- not bad for two weeks.

For those who missed it, I did have a bet with my hubby that I'd be down to a size 14 by Aug. 8. Well, I did it and already have won the bet. I went ahead and bought some new clothes yesterday (a pair of pants and a few shirts) with the help of the kid. Got some really cute things. One of these days I may not have to shop at the "fat chick store" at all! Although it does feel good to be at the smallest end of *that* scale!

Finished the latest Harry Potter book and am re-reading the previous ones for anything I might have missed. Also working on the matching sock I posted about earlier.

I'm trying to get some Christmas crafts done. What I'd love to do is set up my two sewing machines somewhere I could LEAVE them and sew when I get the "urge" and then move on to something else when I get the urge for that. Unfortunately, we don't have the room around here and I can only leave the sewing machines on the kitchen table for so long before it annoys the heck out of me. (My hubby, on the other hand, claims to not mind. What a great guy!)

FINALLY!

I broke through my plateau. I lost a whopping 3.8 pounds this week! I feel so excited that I'm back on track....

The dang ticker went the wrong direction this morning. I gained six-tenths of a pound.

More than anything, I'm upset with myself. I'm feeling sorry for myself, yes, but I'm angry, too. No, I didn't need to snack as much as I did, but I hate the fact I seem to have a slower metabolism than everyone else in the house, too. It doesn't seem fair....

What I really need is to get "re-motivated"...

Lost 0.8 of a pound this week. Not bad considering how much "junk" I ate (but aren't *real* smores good?)

The cat is gone. Little Jo must have escaped, because she's no where in the house. It's broken hubby's heart. I wish I could ease his pain....