Sunday, March 13, 2011

After my last blog post, I had someone from my "in person life" ask me what I did just for me. I knew she'd read the last post because she made a comment about my hobbies and holes in my head. Pretty much a dead giveaway there.

It seemed like a really strange question since we were at a china painting afternoon. (I hesitate to call it a class, because we're all working on different things and the "instructor" is really just there for assistance. Think of it as a Stitch 'N Bitch for china painting.) If I wasn't doing something for ME, why else would I make the time to be there, right?

Except that wasn't exactly true and I knew it. Deep down, I knew it. Hell, she probably knew it, too.

You see, I have this "thing" where I do stuff out of a twisted sense of duty. I can't possibly stop something. Especially if other people expect me to be there or if I have a responsibility of some kind. Really. I'm completely afraid of letting someone down.

I don't much like confrontation. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at it. Well, maybe "good" isn't exactly the right word, but confrontation certainly doesn't frighten me. And I feel sorry for anyone who messes with my kids or their friends or my friends. Maybe it's my overdeveloped sense of justice, but I'm always willing to help out the underdog and usually that requires a confrontation.

But when it comes to me, I don't go looking for confrontation. I avoid it. Probably explains why one person will never know how much I was hurt by a series of events. Talking about it won't change anyone's actions and what's done is done, so why bother. (Are my feelings still hurt? Yeah. But is it worth an argument with the other person? Nope.)

By the way, I do know how passive-aggressive that sounds and I don't mean it to be. I just like harmony in my life.

It's a strange deal. I can honestly say that I don't much care what most people think about me. There are very few people who's opinions of me matter. And the majority of those people are currently asleep under this same roof. Love me or hate me, that's totally your choice and I leave you to it.

Just one more case where I am a bit contradictory.

I know I need to take more time for me. I need to learn to say "no" to someone besides my teenager when she wants a later curfew. I honestly and truly need to de-stress, to take an afternoon off and remember what it's like to play.

And I plan to. I'll put it on my to-do list and hope I get around to it....

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